ETARY
Ann put a bound of lily in front of her grandmother's grave.
Folding her hands together and seems talking something.
Suddenly it was raining.
A lady passes an umbrella to Ann.
She raised her head.
ANN
Thank you!
The lady smiles and nods her head.
ANN
How can I return it to you?
LADY
My house No.XXX.
SCENERY SHOT (TRAINSITION)
LADY'S HOUSE (OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
Ann knocks at the door it was opened with a squish.
A elder woman opens the door, looks at Ann
ANN
hi, i just return this umbrella to the lady, does she live here?
the woman takes the umbrella and say
WOMAN
Thank you.
At the same time, she closed the door.
STREET (NIGHT)
Ann is on her way back home
a psychopath catches her and pushes her to the wall
Ann struggling, shouting and crying,but no one could help her.
Suddenly the lady appeared to beat the psychopath off.
Ann hugs the lady and cry out loudly.
LADY
he is gone.
ANN
who are you?
LADY
Siren. Your school mate
ANN
why I did not met you before?
LADY
because you always focus on study.
It is too late, I got to go.
The lady soon walk away.
SCHOOL CORRIDOR (DAY)
Ann walk in the school corridor, Siren walk forward and pat her shoulder and run quickly.
SIREN
I have a meeting.
ANN
could you please tell me your name again?
other school mate looks back and answers ANN
MATE
I have told you four years, but you still can not remember my name.
at the same time Siren says:"s-i-r-e-n, siren"
Ann smiled
ONE MONTH LATER BEFORE GRADUATION
SCHOOL DAY
Ann sit behind Siren
ANN
it is the last day before graduation, how about take a photo to mark our university life?
SIREN
EN...sounds good.
PHOTO STUDIO
photographer controls the camera
Ann and Siren stand in front of the background
PHOTOGRAPHER
3,2,1. good.
Come back 2 days later to get your photo.
GRADUATION DAY
Ann walk to Siren's classroom, her seat is empty
Ann find Siren every where, but can not find her.
SIREN'S HOUSE
Ann knocks the door anxiously, but no one answered
she ask the pass-by people
ANN
do you know where is the houselord?
PASS-BY PEOPLE
there is no one lives in for years.
Ann can not believe.
PHOTO STUDIO
the photos lay on the table, only Ann was in it.
ANN
Do you see the girl take photos with me?
PHOTOGRAPHER
Are you drunk? only you come here that day.
Ann can not believe it.
ROAD
she run on the road.
The suspicious scene come back to her memory: in siren's house, in the school corridor, in the cemetery.
suddenly, she got an idea,she go back to cemetery.
CEMETERY (AFTERNOON)
Ann runs to her grand mother's grave
Siren appeared to her,
SIREN
I know you will come back, but I can not stay with you anymore, because it is time for you to face your life by your self. I will always stare at you.
SIREN walk in Ann's grandmother's grave, and lay inside. She suddenly became the sun, and grandmother smile at Ann.
Ann turns back , tears dropped from her eyes, she dry her tears and says:" It's time to start my new life."
Actually I want to explain Ann's grandmother dead long time ago, she become a girl who others can not see to protect Ann. After graduation, Ann should be an adult to face the society, so her grand mother can not protect her anymore.
Jools comment:
How do we know it is her Grandmother's grave? what
tells the viewer this? Nothing written in this scene tells us anything
about these relationships. Suddenly it was raining isnt the best way to
tell us that the rainstorm is sudden. Is it severe rain? it feels like
it the way you have written this.
You should write number not noxxx. you should alao give us a number. Why not simply make one up?
You need to write the transition (not trainsition)
scene. We need a location. 'scenery' isn't a location. This document is
for the production team as well as finding, actors, set and costume
designers, so 'Scenery' shot doesn't tell us anything. You have written
it as a 'scene heading' but perhaps it simply needs to be 'action' and
not a 'scene heading'. Even so you need to tell us what we see.
'opened with a squish' I don't understand that.
a 'psychopath'. This is too easy. Imagine what we
would be seeing on the screen. This is waht you shuld write. You write
'psychopath' as if this imeidately means something but it doesn't.
psychopaths can look a number of different ways so be more specific.
Every word is an opportunity to tell a story.
Your explanation at the end make sense and you need
to think about the story and the screen. watch a film over the weekend,
on television, that you can record if possible and then examine it to
see how the story is told through dialogue and more importantly through
ACTION, ACTION, ACTION. What the characters do and don't do as well as
what they say
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